Diary Of A Misfit

I was raised in several small towns, as a kid. My father was a Class II government servant. Every two to three years he was transferred. He looked for the finest schools in town, for me. And invariably they were in Hindi medium. I did well. Each year I was promoted. School usually was at a walking distance. I used to carry my school bag in one hand and a jute mat in another, as there were no chairs and benches. We all sat on the floor. The school building was one large hall, with no amenities. The ceiling used to leak when it rained, so school used to be closed during monsoons. In winters most classes were held outside.

Till eight years of age, I hardly know a few words in English. I never saw an English film. English newspaper was not available in the town. The only time I heard proper English language was on BBC Radio, when the man landed on moon. But I could not make heads or tails out of it.

When I was nine years, father was transferred to a city. The finest school was in English medium. School authorities took my interview in English and rejected then and there. I felt humiliated. But father persuaded that I was intelligent and bright. He assured them that I pick up things fast and that he will personally teach me English, at home. Inadvertently, I was admitted.

At home, I was taught nursery poems. Learnt jack & jill went up the hill; twinkle twinkle little star, johnny johnny yes papa etc. Whenever there were guests I was asked to recite them. If someone appreciated I recited all the poems, one after another, that I had mugged up.
However I didn’t know the meaning of a single word. I was given a book to learn the English alphabet. It had pictures of A-Apple, B-Ball, C-Cat , D-Dog etc. I had another chart with names of all the common fruits and vegetables in Hindi as well English.

At school, I used to be totally blank. Didn’t understand a single lecture what was going on. It took me one year to understand the difference between sunrise and sunset. I thought sun rises in the  evening and sets in the morning. I was once asked how old I am. I knew old means someone who is above 60 years of age. I replied I am not old. Each and every student laughed including the teacher. I failed to understand where I went wrong.

I was a total misfit at the English medium school. At the annual exams, I failed in six out of seven subjects. The only paper that I cleared was Hindi. I was about to be expelled from the school but on father’s request I was kept in the same class.
I requested my father to shift me to a Hindi medium school. But it was turned down.

My younger brother, was two years younger and also two classes junior to me. After I failed he was only one class junior to me. I must admit I was worried. In case I failed one more year, we both brothers will be sitting in the same class. I couldn’t say we were twins. I had serious inferiority complex.

God had been kind to me. Father looked around for a boarding school with English medium. He came to know of Sainik School that trained children to join armed forces. I took the entrance test. To my surprise I cracked it. Due emphasis was given to sports, physical training, parade etc. I wasn’t good in studies, neither good in sports. Physically, I was a weak child. I cannot remember receiving any medal, trophy or certificate. I was a misfit once again. Somehow I pulled through, for seven years. Armed forces decided not to hire my services. They must have come to know that I don’t have “officer like qualities”. My family was disappointed. My parent’s dream of me being an army officer with a class I job was shattered.

There was no option except to enroll myself in a college. Father had heard of one good college in Delhi where his senior officers admitted their children. I was asked to attempt it. Boarded the train and came to Delhi. Found four colleagues from school who were keen to study in the same college. We all applied for Physics Honours and were selected. Father dreamt of his son being a Civil Servant or with Wold Bank.

The college had students from all over the country. My spoken English wasn’t good. I first constructed my sentence in Hindi. Then translated into English. Often they were broken. Vocabulary was limited. I was once ragged badly that I am studying Physics Honours but couldn’t pronounce Physics correctly. I locked myself in the hostel room. Pronounced 101 times the word Physics, till I got it right.

A Routine job was of no interest to me. My father’s dream of seeing his son a bureaucrat was shattered once again, when I decided not to continue with a college degree and join a film school, instead. I thought I would work on assignment basis from one project to another. I didn’t have to do a repetitive job. I will be traveling all over the country.

I was a misfit at the film school as well. I was trained to be a cinematographer for fiction films, particularly feature films. I learnt the technique to light up the set, frame actors properly, learn camera movements and make sure focus is right. I was hardly exposed to documentary or wildlife film making.

After graduation I was offered to work on a regional feature film. Worked for fourteen months, as a Cinematographer. I was put into a house along with other crew members. I was told that I would be paid when the film is released. The film did not do well. I wasn’t paid a penny. Often I borrowed money from my father, for survival. He always paid but kept advising me to take up a government job.

I was insecure. For several months I was hand to mouth. No work. No money. Finally I got an offer from a NGO that worked for the control of leprosy. I worked as an editor, director and a cameraman for five years. Produced close to thirty educational programmes. However, my heart was in documentaries.

I quit my job. Traveled to Delhi with my wife and infant daughter. I didn’t know anyone in the city. No phone. No internet. No friends. No Clients. I had to start from scratch. I had money for just ten months. For a couple of months I didn’t have any assignment. Bank balance was drying up. I thought of going back to the NGO. Each day on my scooter I used to meet prospective Producers but returned home with an empty promise.

Finally I saw the light of the day. Based on my background of medical films, I was offered a few assignments, that kept the kitchen warm.

Finally at the age of thirty I was hired to shoot documentary films with opportunities to travel. Couple of awards followed. I said to myself I am no more a misfit. I do have a place in this world.